Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
You Might Also Like
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
🙄😏😂🤣
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Fluff me with a fork baby
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
What a year we’ve had this week.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50