Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

We all have our pet causes.

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

I’m going to need a moment here.

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

We cut our bangs at dawn.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table