“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
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I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I’d like to stab you now.
Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.