Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Bringing home a sharpie
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
📽️movie date🎞️
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked