@stephenjmolloy

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

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@adrienneMTK

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

@junejuly12

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

@impaulmccoy

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

@NateMorrising

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

@mrtiredeyes

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

@batkaren

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

@Vodkantots

I’d like to stab you now.

Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?