Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.