friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
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there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
*aggressively waits in line*
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.