@PleaseBeGneiss

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

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@iwearaonesie

Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Piglet:
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then

@Gupton68

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

@mela_shea

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

@shawnspree

Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

@OopsieCrazy

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

@ericsshadow

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

@Norsebysw

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

@02dirtbikemike

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

@brianjdunne

[mockarena]

*everyone does the macarena but like really ironically*

@GoodNaps

Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else