friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
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I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away