Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”