Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
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You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”