[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
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Fashion Facts –
Adam was the first designer-
with his Eden line of clothing
Eve wore his first creation-
the ribbed t-shirt with fig leaf
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Uber driver: ………..
Uber driver: ……….
Me: 5 stars.
When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.