@jackiembouvier

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

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@Los01001111

Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?

@idigcrazychics

Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely

@GrantTanaka

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

@autocorrects

You’re the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you’re worthless.

@monica_L1257

*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water

*speechless*

@littleliterally

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

@AmericanGent69

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

@Skoog

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan