@jackiembouvier

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

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@dafloydsta

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

@SteveKoehler22

Fashion Facts –

Adam was the first designer-
with his Eden line of clothing

Eve wore his first creation-
the ribbed t-shirt with fig leaf

@_ElvishPresley_

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

@Biraahwa

Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!

@copymama

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@DirtMcTurd

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

@NoogsCorner

When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

@Freudianscript

Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.