Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
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Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.
Canadian Psycho, but it’s just a businessman walking around with a chainsaw, apologizing profusely
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
You’re the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you’re worthless.
*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan