@jackiembouvier

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

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@MichaelTrying

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

@TragicAllyHere

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@pauleggleston

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘?????2.54???.’

@AnkCoupleTO

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329582967800336385″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”249″;s:5:”tweet”;s:138:”FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}