Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.