Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?