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@shadygrenade: Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don't follow basketball.
@Stand_Up_Shots: "When it comes to racism..."
@UNTRESOR: Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.
@trevso_electric: If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
@XplodingUnicorn: [lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
@droidbears: fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey... worst first day ever