@shadygrenade

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

- @shadygrenade

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@Th3BadGuy__

I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

@dafloydsta

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

@Fish4EDM

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

@crunkdumpster

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

@ObscureGent

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

@daemonic3

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

@GrantTanaka

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

@TheHyyyype

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend