Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

We don’t deserve birds.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?