Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
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[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
My son’s high school is holding golf tryouts today. We currently have 40mph winds. I’m bringing popcorn because this is going to be awesome.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs