Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

no such thing as a dumb question

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.