Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.