Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.