Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password