Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Saw this yesterday lol
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Whoops
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.