Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
sistine chapel
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.