Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
real
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.