Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
me irl
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.