Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

damn he’s good