@markedly

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

You Might Also Like

@omgthatspunny

What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

@Jesusontwittorr

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

@GoodnightSanity

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

@MikeMcNeil_

wife: “HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?”

me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.