Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

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What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?


WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.


Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.


To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later


My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids



me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.