Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th