Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does