Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
How do you like your Corgi?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
(yawn)
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes