friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
How high do the levels go?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Yup!
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.