Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

DOOO EEEET

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Can you solve the riddle??

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

ㅤ

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”