friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
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Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.