Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

Same pineapple, same

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

10/10 no notes

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…