Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

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Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?