Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

🤣✨#caturday

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

and this one

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

58.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Cause of death: Zumba

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.