Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
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“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.