Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.