FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
You Might Also Like
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
#Caturday
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
sir, my pâté if you please
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
crazy
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Scream sneezers need love too.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”