FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?