Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

lmfao come on

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

6. me as a lawyer

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?