Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency