Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

👍

Spring of Deception

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit