Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Nomnomnomnom
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment