Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Good for him.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]