Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring