FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I have taken up painting
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”