Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

catch me on valentine’s day like

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

😍😂🥰😂😍

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.