*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
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Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
LOL
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?