Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.