Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?