Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

back to work

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.