Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

This line from Airplane.

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Coffee for people with no kids

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.