Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.