friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I have two kinds of followers
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.