Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mood.. 😂

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.