Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

can’t believe I got front row seats

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

But wait…

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

technique

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection