friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I’m crying im so happy for them
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.