Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

sigh

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Twitter remains undefeated

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.