Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.