FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
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Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
where do you see yourself in five years?
