Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

murder on the timeline

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

#TopTip

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

Never forget.

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.