FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.