Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”