FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
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People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo