Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.