Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Happens to everyone.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*