Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
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*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
tinder is all about the long game
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron