friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight